I'm just trying to figure out......why I'm not pointing this gun at your head♥

The discontinuation of a favorite product is a sad thing. Consumer products are often discontinued due to low sales; unfortunately, it seems this is what's happened to St. Ives Cucumber & Elastin Eye & Face Stress Gel.

Basically, this is Yu-kun bitching about the loss of his favorite beauty product. Because, believe it or not, I don't wake up looking this good.

Okay, so I do.

But once in a while I look in the mirror and go "ugh, I look like I've gotten two hours of sleep in two days" (which is often true). And that's when I reach for my beloved cucumber-scented stress gel. In it's mint-green bottle, it doesn't scream "girly!!" but it feels so nice and cool on my face and the fresh smell perks me up right away. And one of the best things about this stuff is that it works--my swollen, puffy, sleepless eyes calm down and my skin rids itself of that excessive oiliness within minutes of its application. And at $3 a bottle, it doesn't leave the dent in my pocket the more expensive retinol creams do.

I suddenly got very hopeful a few moments ago, because it seems the page for the Cucumber & Elastin Eye & Face Stress Gel is still there. But no--it seems they have just yet to remove it from the site, because as soon as you go to another page, the link to this particular product vanishes and is nowhere to be found.

While mourning the death of one of my most beloved beauty secrets, I'm currently trying to find a replacement, which is proving difficult--what else can make my purple-hued under-eye-circles disappear in a matter of minutes? And while I'm looking at expensive creams and lotions that don't even work, the price of my beloved gel has shot to $20 per 4 oz. bottle on Amazon.


With only half a bottle left, I've become frightfully paranoid of the day my supply of precious little miracle gel becomes depleted. If you're like me, getting three hours of sleep a night--be you a student or a new mother--grab yourself some while you have the chance.


Good-bye, Cucumber Stress Gel. I'll be thinking of you the next time I have an insomnia-ridden night.

It's America's obsession, and it seems it'll stay that way for years to come. And while I am in no way opposed to a healthier, more fit America, the extremes that I have seen people going to in order to get thin are actually becoming frightening. No-carbs diets? Take it from Foamy--you need carbs. Really. And while cutting back on the instant mac 'n cheese would promote a healthy lifestyle choice, there is no need to ban bread and rice from your diet. All you need to know are the difference between the good carbs and the bad, broken down below:

GOOD
- Brown rice (instead of butter, try a little low-sodium soy-sauce.)
- Oats (to make oatmeal yummy, add just a sprinkle of cinnamon, sugar, and a handful of berries)
- Whole wheat bread and pasta (bypass the canned sauces, which are loaded with sodium and preservatives, and try a bit of garlic salt and olive oil)
- Whole grain cereals (make sure it isn't loaded with sugar--and by that I mean more than 5 grams!)
- Unprocessed foods such as fruits, vegetables and lean meats (NOT drowned in oil/salt/butter.)

BAD
- White bread (sadly--of course, I eat white bread anyway, because I don't care much for being healthy.)
- French fries (ditto. Once in a few months--I see no harm in this!)
- Cakes/cookies (Again. What else am I supposed to reward myself with?)
- Starchy, sugary or refined foods stripped of their nutrients


(By the way, this is intended for those of you who are actually wanting to eat healthier, not junk-food addicts like us Papercut people.)


So, that being said, what is the difference between a good carb and a bad one? Yes, we did do the research (and you thought we were just blowing hot air?) and the facts are as follows:

Carbohydrates are your body’s number one source for fuel, which means, yes, you do need them. However, not all carbs are created equal. The difference between "good" carbs and "bad" carbs may be perplexing, but can make or break a healthy diet.

Essentially, all carbohydrates are broken down into sugar, a.k.a. glucose. Carbs containing little or no fiber break down quickly, while foods which contain a good amount of fiber take longer to break down and digest. The result? The faster it takes to break down a food, the less energy you are provided with. With that on our minds, yes, that does mean the foods with more fiber "last" you longer, so to speak. The rate in which foods are broken down are represented in what nutritionists call the Glycemic Index.

In the current insanity-ridden low-carb vs. no-carb vs. right-carb craze, you may have heard the term "Glycemic Index" mentioned all the fekkin' time. The Glycemic Index measures how quickly a food affects blood sugar levels. Carbohydrates with a low Glycemic Index are digested slowly without causing a sharp increase in blood sugar levels, and therefore are considered "good". Carbs with a high Glycemic Index causes sharp spikes in blood sugar levels (think donuts) and are considered "bad".

*Important Information!*A Glycemic Index of 55 or less is low and "good". A range of
rom 56 to 69 is considered medium. An index of 70+ is considered high, and consequentially "bad".

(Personally, I don't believe incriminating anything as delicious as donuts is the way to go--more like it's your own fault for eating half of the box of goddamn Krispy Kremes--but whatever. My opinion matters little here.)


In addition to consuming "good" carbs rather than "bad", don't forget your food pyramid. Broken down, it dictates as follows:

6-11 servings of bread, rice, pasta, and cereal
3-5 servings of veggies
2-4 servings of fruits
2-3 servings of fish, meat, poultry, beans, eggs, and nuts
2-3 servings of milk, cheese, and yogurt.
Fats, sugar, and oils used sparingly.


So what does this mean? First of all, learn that there are no standard, set portion sizes when buying food. That giant hunk o' steak slathered in A1 steak sauce they give you at diners? No. Diners are misleading. They give you giant, behemoth-sized portions of food on a plate with giant silverware, as if you're actually supposed to finish it all.

Rather than eat everything that's put in front of you, learn correct serving sizes.

Red Meat: Ah, the joys of a nice steak! 3 ounces=one serving. That's about the size and thickness of a deck of playing cards. (Yes, that's all.) To avoid the sodium-laden sauces and a tasteless hunk of meat, try a marinade of lime juice and low-sodium soy sauce for a pleasantly surprising tang.

Chicken: We've all heard this before--one serving=the size of your hand. If you have abnormally big hands, go with 3.5"x1.5" portions. White meat is best, of course, but due to its tastelessness people have the tendency to slather it in gravy, thoroughly defeating the purpose of white meat. Instead, try a splash of champagne vinegar or a bit of grated ginger to spice up cardboard-flavored food.

Veggies: One serving=the size of your fist. DO NOT douse in buttery sauces! Instead, try stir-frying with some fresh basil, or sauté with some chopped shallots and garlic. Try veggies you dislike cooked in different ways! Maybe you just hated the way you mom makes 'em.

[Papercut Secret: If you absolutely despise veggies, you can cheat a little by substituting one serving (no more!) of veggies for fruit. Make it count by choosing a nutrient-rich candidate, like a banana, which has lots of vitamin B6, vitamin C, and potassium to keep you going throughout the day!]

Cheese: Beware for the cheese have many hidden calories and fats! A healthy-sized serving is about 1 oz--the size of 4 dice.

Bread, Rice, and Pasta: People tend to overeat in this department. Stick with one slice of bread, or half a cup of rice (uncooked), and you won't overload on carbs, which can make you gain weight. Whole wheat, rye, and brown bread, pasta, and rices are best.

Apples, Peaches, Plums, and Pears: Way better for you than processed, sugary snacks, of course, but they do have natural sugars. A medium-sized fruit the size of a tennis ball is appropriate for a serving. Just be careful of canned fruits drowned in sugary syrup--all that sweet packs a lot of bulge.

Ice Cream: The forbidden fruit of the dieting woman. Stick with 1/2 a cup, or a scoop the size of a tennis ball, to avoid consuming amounts of fat and sugar that would blow your whole "healthy eating" goal out of the water (and your cute bikini).

Butter: Delicious, and in small amounts, it won't make you go up a size in skinny jeans. One teaspoon the size of your thumb is enough.

Nuts and Candy: A smallish handful is appropriate--try to choose something that isn't over processed or liberally sprinkled with salt!



Aside from eating correctly portioned food, let's move on to another pressing issue: Are you dehydrated? No? Shut up. Just because you aren't dying of thirst from running a 10-mile marathon outside under the sweltering sun, doesn't mean you don't need to drink. Okay? So drink plenty of water, especially when you THINK you're hungry--your body sucks at differentiating hunger from thirst. YARLY. Yes, that means a few trips to the bathroom. But water is good. It helps flush out impurities in your system, and aids in the digestion of your food. So think of it this way: A pound or two overweight? Drink up. But be sure to avoid those flavored waters that have 150 calories per bottle, okay? (yes, I know it says 50 calories. PER SERVING. Check the label again--does that say the bottle contains 1 serving or 3?)

One thing I would recommend to everyone is Green Tea. It's full of antioxidants, and it's usually not pumped full of sugar, so you can drink free of guilt. I mean, look at the Chinese--they drink tea every day. Now compare the amount of obese Chinese people to the amount of obese Americans.

That's what I thought.


A WARNING to those who think that not eating is the key to losing weight: Yes, yes it will make you skinner. I will give you that much. At first, anyway. Then, you'll lose your muscle mass, your bones will stick through your skin, your hair will wilt, your skin will look like crap, and your body will start clinging on to every damn carb and calorie your intake like a fat-bank. Starve yourself at your own risk, okay?

ANOTHER WARNING to those people who accuse other people of being anorexic just because they aren't carrying around 10 extra pounds like the Average American: Go die in a hole. Or put down the Quarter Pounder and get some goddamn EXERCISE and lose a few pounds instead of projecting your weight problems onto other people who aren't  overweight like most of the American population. (yes, we have been accused of being anorexics and bulimics. Much to our amusement.)

Oh, and to those who say "Oh, obesity runs in my family, it's not my fault I'm fat": SHUT UP. No amount of genetics will make you fat. Increase your likelihood of overeating and becoming fat, perhaps, but it will not mysteriously add unconsumed pounds to your body. Okay? If you are more susceptible to weight gain, those of us with better metabolisms sincerely give your our condolences, but it isn't anything a healthy diet and exercise can't keep under control. Unless either your thyroid or your hormones are seriously fucked up, there should be no reason why you can't lose weight. Got it?!

The above health-food tips, paired with exercise, should help you get down to--and more importantly, maintain--a healthy weight. If you ARE overweight and have been eating healthy, exercising, and still gaining, there is a pretty good likelihood that you have some strange hormonal disease, in which case I would advise you to see your doctor.

IN CONCLUSION: To those girls living on salads: Go eat a sandwich.




The above article is a production of The Papercut Theory, with various random little tips pulled from a variety of healthy-living magazines.

...Ugg Boots?

For Serious. They are ugly suede boots lined with sheepskin, shapeless and unflattering. If you have thin legs, they make your legs look like sticks; if you have thicker legs, they make them look like beef sticks. So why do so many girls wear them? Wear them with their perfectly nice jeans tucked into those little horrors? Do they think they are attractive? Well, we at the Papercut Theory are curious, so we decided to find out. When asked, the majority replied, "Because they're warm and comfortable".
A sensible enough reason, but...well, I have news for you, ladies. You can find plenty of warm, comfortable, AND attractive boots that don't cost a whopping $165-$350. Does it really make sense that tens of thousands of people wear these specific boots because they are warm and comfortable?

The real reason behind the popularity of Uggs, we suspect, is, sadly, the same as the reasons behind the rise of skinny jeans and patterned rain boots--It's a fad. But unlike skinny jeans, which genuinely flatter your legs (when worn properly), or rain boots with hearts on them which are just plain cute, we hereby declare (and the majority of the male population may agree, as we surveyed their opinions on Uggs as well, and it wasn't pretty) that this Ugg boot fad just needs to die already. And to prove it, we did our research, and the results are as follows:

In Australia and New Zealand, sheepskin boots have long been popular with people in rural occupations, such as sheep shearers, who have ready access to the raw materials. They were also used by aviators in WWI and WWII because of their need to keep warm in non-pressurized planes at high altitudes.


And there you have it, folks. Unless you are a rural Australian or a New Zealander, in which case the "fug" or "ugh" boot is considered a part of your culture, a pilot in the World Wars, or otherwise live in Antarctica, you have no excuse to wear Ugg boots.
But in all honesty, ladies, we're laying the facts on the tables now: Ugg boots look tacky, cost a ridiculous amount of money, and compliment no one. Most men don't actually care about shoes, but when asked (and oh did we ask), the response was usually some variation of the following: "No, I think they're hideous". Yes, really.

So, we at the Papercut Theory say it's time to take a stand against the fashion disaster that are Ugg boots, which has turned into a mockery of Australian culture--especially since they are now mostly made in China (don't believe us? Check your label). It's time to open your eyes--stop blindly following a silly trend like the herds of sheep used to line those Ugly Boots. Invest in a pair of cozy and stylish leather ones with a little sexy heel, which can be had for far less, and make a statement in that cute scarlet peacoat and cable-knit tights; You are a woman, and women shouldn't do their bodies (legs!) a disservice by making themselves look dumpy. And cash in that extra money to buy yourself something special--a pat on the back for having a mind of your own.

This has been a Public Service Announcement by The Papercut Theory.

Okay, first of all, I know I shouldn't leave such long blanks between posts. Seconds...hm.

So, I was on a certain interactive forum/message board/thread/whatever the hell you want to call it, and I tend to open several windows at once. Multitasking--it's a way of life. Just like procrastination, which is what I'm doing right now by not working on my American Literature homework....*cough*.

Anyway, so I was on two different threads at once, and it so happened there was a girl who was also in both threads. I don't give a damn, of course, but lo and behold, ten minutes later in my PM box what does sit but a message from her going "AHHHHH!! WHY ARE YOU HAUNTING ME?!"

Now, I think we can all agree that it's a perfect coincidence that you should go in two different threads and find the same person there, but that's no reason to accuse the aforementioned person of haunting, so I message back and tell her that I was there first, thank you. She then replies with incoherent, nonsensical babble, to which I counter that if she wanted to talk to me so badly she had to make up a stupid an excuse as she did, she could have just messaged me and done without the accusing. We're talking about an 11 year old girl here, so she manages to regurgitate the following response: First of all ??? and seconed of all ???? your the one need who is in need of a new excuse to talk to the wonderful better then you moi!

I take off 15 cool points for pathetic attempt to use French, and another 5 for grammatical and spelling errors, and then retaliate: Um, whatever. Look, kiddie, you seem to forget it is YOU who sought ME out, not the other way around. I wouldn't stalk or talk to you if someone paid me. I have better things to do with my time, okay? So quit buggerin' me, unless you have something interesting worth saying, so we can both get on with our lives.

 and she comes back at me with this gem: Heres interesting you dont have a life i do and in a liftime what does it really matter dont judge someone until you judged 2 moons in her mocasins and APES DONT HAVE TAILS!

*claps* I think we have a new Queen of Stupid. If anyone actually comprehended that (Because I definitely couldn't make any sense of it), please do tell me, because I'd love dearly to know.




So now that we know the situation, let's dissect it using common logic and an in-depth insight into the minds of eleven-year-olds.

1. She randomly decides to message me and accuse me of something incredibly stupid.
-Well, I do have a photo of my lovely mug in my profile. And I was making quite a spectacle of myself in that particular forum--in a good way. So I can only assume, having never seen nor spoken to her in my life, that her feeble accusation was a weak attempt to get me to talk to her. Which was successful, but if she'd been aiming to make me like her she failed utterly.

2. She's 11. Possibly her sad brand of flirting works on her peers, but when it didn't work on me she became rather irked. She was rather full of herself when she first started talking to me, but I probably didn't respond in the way she wanted me to, at which point she decided to attack me instead. Needless to say, I tore her down and exposed her plan by telling her not to make up excuses to talk to me. Me: 2 points. Her: -2.


Conclusion: She probably thought I was pretty, but when I didn't accept her advances like most of the boys her age do, she got snippy and started throwing pathetic insults at me.




Now, has this ever happened to anyone? Let me hear your stories. Rant, and feel awesome about yourselves. We're all strangers here!

...to the Papercut Theory.


WARNiNG!!


IF you are any of the following, you might as well leave now:

-Homophobic
-Lacking a sense of humor
-Easily offended
-Faint of heart
-Strongly religious
-Catholic
-Republican


The Papercut Theory and all those in affiliation will not be held accountable for any cardiac arrest, stroke, asphyxiation, or any other minor to serious health defect triggered or caused by reading material published on the Papercut Theory.


Now that I've gotten all that out of the way and we all know you're going to plow on ahead regardless of the warnings and age restriction, let's begin.




We at the Papercut Theory...

-adore obscenity in any shape or form
-will do just about anything for strawberry-flavored Calpis Water
-give free online therapy--and are damn good at it.
-listen to loud music
-wear a lot of makeup
-love the color black
-want to go to Ireland
-aspire to shop in Harajuku
-have ADD
-say "un" on a regular basis




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